Everyone has been there at some point, my friend. The shower is already running. You don’t want to arouse suspicion, so you tell yourself: I’ll flush after. But now it is 15 minutes after, and your roommate’s girlfriend has just gone in there. She doesn’t even live here! But it’s her bathroom too, now, you suppose. And you start to doubt yourself.

Did I? Surely. Oh god! What if I didn’t?

First of all, know you are not alone. This is a rung on the ladder every man must climb. Worry not. All you have to do is scroll down and follow this step-by-step guide. All will be as it should. And you will know peace. 

This will prevent you from successfully completing steps 2-10.

Step 2: Try to figure out what’s going on in there.

Hover outside the door.  Press your ear up against it if you have to.

Step 3: Sneeze loudly.

Continue to do so intermittently throughout steps 4-5. Make sure you back away if you think she’s going to come out soon. Many people forget this step and end up making things worse for themselves.

Step 4: Try to act casual.

After she comes out of the bathroom, engage in everyday, normal conversation (things like “the weather” or any funny anecdotes you might have heard recently are both very good choices.) 

Try to slip in that you have a cold and that you leave snotty tissues everywhere, all the time. If it seems like she doesn’t believe you, be persistent! Feel free to rifle off any fun facts you have about tissues for added authenticity. 

Related article: Did you know? The Tissue Issue: 5 fun facts about tissues.

Step 5: Try to pivot the conversation to whether or not there was anything in the bowl before she flushed. 

This will help you attain clarity. But don’t make it too obvious, though - remember: act casual. 

Be aware, however, that even if she tells you there wasn’t anything in there, she could be lying. People lie all the time to get out of awkward conversations. 

Step 5(a): Begin to brainstorm potential rumors that could undermine her character. If you can, try to make her admit to something shameful, and then shame her for it in front of your friends. 

Step 6: Come to terms with the fact that you may never know the truth.

The truth ebbs and flows like the ocean. It’s waves come and go and you can’t fight the tide. Even if you did forget to flush, know it is not the end. People make mistakes, and they are not defined by them. Accept yourself. Love yourself. You are owed this much.  

Step 7: Realize there is a small chance that you got a little splooge on the seat and that she may have sat on it, becoming pregnant.

Try not to panic.

Step 8: Regret the part in Step 5 where you considered besmirching her character.

Because that’s not the kind of father you want to be.

Step 9: Propose marriage.

A real man faces the consequences of his actions. Buy an engagement ring - a nice one. This child of yours will be no bastard. 

Grab your air fryer and tell your roommate you are moving out. Explain why. Be prepared for him to be quite upset. 

A real man faces the consequences of his actions. He faces them head on. 

Reckon with the fact that something like this was always going to happen. Mourn the pitiful character you’ve become. Your habits become your destiny, after all. 

And what a destiny you’ve created for yourself. We are free, you think. We make our own choices, there is no predetermined path. And this is the one you’ve put yourself on. 

Pathetic.

Step 10: Have another wank.

This will help to clear your head, allowing you to act more logically. Take extra caution to flush this time, though.

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Dr. Trymore is an expert in shame medicine, with a Doctorate in the subject from the Kyoto Institute of Technology.