As scientists rabbit away at plans to resurrect the woolly mammoth, we must question is this conquest for us or them? 

Colossal Biosciences, a Texas company, say they are closer than ever to bringing the woolly mammoth back to life. The tech firm has raised over $225 million to revive extinct species like the woolly mammoth, aiming to boost biodiversity and ecosystem resilience. However, some backers, particularly in Las Vegas, may have other motives for supporting the project. 

The following plans for a woolly mammoth residency have been leaked on Reddit by esteemed user @veritatis_flatulence1984. 

Where’s Woolly will be a year-long residency of the first resurrected woolly mammoths at the Las Vegas Sphere. Sphere Entertainment Limited have secured a family, including two homosexual males and an infant, that travels through an immersive ice age environment. The mammoths will take part in three shows per day with the final show including the Monster Energy Splash Zone where VIP guests will be able to bathe the mammoths and take photos. 

The leaks from @veritatis_flatulence1984 have struck up a frenzy online with many criticizing Colossal Biosciences and Sphere Entertainment Limited’s agenda in bringing  the creature back to life. 

The primary backlash against the project is linked to questions regarding what protections apply to previously extinct creatures. There are currently no specific animal protection laws regulating animal cloning practices, which has led to barbaric experiments including the engineering of the world's largest giraffe which broke its neck and died after just 34 minutes at K-Pop festival last year in Mainz, Germany. 

Animal rights organizations have been outraged by these practices, protesting outside the Las Vegas Sphere this week. Trinity “Sap” Terananimo founder of organization “Stop Everything” condemned the project, claiming “the planet is running out of tears from the atrocities of man.” Terananimo says she won’t leave until she has stopped the mammoth project. She aims to chain herself to the Sphere once she figures out how to as it is completely smooth with no edges.

Representatives from Sphere Entertainment Limited have been photographed in Thailand riding and washing controversially drugged elephants in a trip that was defended as “a completely separate team-bonding exercise.”

In addition to the animal welfare concerns, others online have questioned the legitimacy of the assertion that the mammoths are in fact homosexual. Social media users have accused Sphere Entertainment Limited of pushing a woke agenda. The scientists behind the project have responded by saying, “we found these creatures perfectly frozen in the ice as if they froze in an instant. Believe us when we say, they were gay.”

Representatives from Abu Dhabi are also interested in buying some mammoths for their own exhibition, but they have strictly requested heterosexual mammoths, which Colossal Biosciences have said will be at a premium given how rare they were within the mammoth community.

More protests have sprung up elsewhere including a man in Donegal, Ireland who has expressed his fury in the investment of such large funds into the Where’s Wooly project. Testicular cancer survivor Lorcan Callaghan has been complaining outside the local council office, arguing that the scientific community's investments into resurrecting the wooly mammoth shows that “they will do anything but cure cancer.”

“Tell you what I’d sooner have resurrected before the woolly mammoth — my left bollock.”

The Donegal local Council continue to reiterate they have nothing to do with Colossal Biosciences effort to resurrect the mammoth, nor Sphere Entertainment’s intention to parade the creature. 

Mr Callaghan responded by saying he would be “back tomorrow.” 

As misguided as some of these protests are, they do raise ethical questions around the nature of the mammoth's resurrection. Amongst questions of animal welfare, capitalism and climate change, you can boil it down to a more simplified question – does the mammoth want to come back? 

Given the fact the mammoth will surely become extinct again given our rising climate, we must come to the conclusion that bringing the wooly mammoth back would be more for our own fascination than for the creature's benefit. 

Reviving the mammoth for human interest is like reassembling Kurt Cobain’s skull just to hear one more rendition of Rape Me said Terananimo who had just begun her hunger strike in response to Brooklyn Peltz-Beckham’s breastmilk ice cream brand SUCKYZ.

“Like Kurt Cobain, the woolly mammoth is at peace, so why don’t we leave it that way.” 

BREAKING: Colossal Biosciences buy the skull of Kurt Cobain